Archive for March, 2020

Day 11 – The Long Cold Night

Scarred Hopes and Faded Dreams

 

There are dreams we all

cling to; some individual,

others communal.

We attach meanings, values,

and importance to

a shiny future

we assume is a brighter,

better one. There are

dreams we hold to. And we

hold strong. We  believe

in them so much that

we make some life-altering

choices. We start to

formulate plans to move in

the direction of

our dreams, that perhaps

we become more our

dreams than our true selves. Our hopes

are intimately

tied in too. Each of us have

actively done this

to some reigning degree or

another, within the

breadth of many glimmering

futures gilded in

gold and light. You have. I have.

We have. These dreams tame.

These dreams solidify our

wavering souls. This

is not to gloss over the

deep, dark nights of our

profound sadness that sometimes

takes over, nor is

it meant to bolster our great,

sunny (greatest and

sunniest) days of our most

inherent brilliance.

No matter where you are on

this sliding spectrum

of techni-color truth, we

should always take care

to remember: Dreams are just

that. Dreams. And once we

are roused from slumber our dreams

quickly fade into

an altered memory that

leads either to a guiding

hope or it doesn’t.

 

In life we all gain

as surely as we all take

losses. We all have

opportunities to grow

and our successes.

Some in lives dearest to us,

others in love; some

in riches, others in health.

As we celebrate

the gains together, we take

on the losses in

silence (often during nights

questioning our truth,

our worthiness). And in

that deep, dark night we

strive to create new plans to

move forward, to get

back on top, to recapture

that pennant of joy,

to become the flag-bearer

of our dreams, ever

hopeful to become greater

than what we are now.

Dreams slowly turn to visions

as plans manifest. This is

true for everyone

save me. I have had dreams and

made strides towards them but

now I look ahead

and see no path forward; not

knowing what to do.

I linger on for

the sake of others, always

for others. I see

all and nothing; feel all and

nothing together.

 

I have found my worth

through intelligence and for

a time that was good,

it worked, it was enough; but

now all seems lacking.

I turned towards the heart,

found a love within

and life, in it’s intricate

way, has slowly and

methodically

usurped, corrupted that love.

Each breath taking more

until a faint glimmer is

all that remains. I

am becoming a mirage

of what could of been.

I see no path forward towards

my living dream now

and I rather not wake up.

Life has taken most

things from me and has opened

my mind to certain

possibilities where dreams

are revealed to be fleeting

illusions where all

semblances of happiness

and love are proven

to be merely smoke fading

in the hushed whispers

of a descending darkness

and I, and all life,

am left holding to a hope

that soon shall pass as

life lingers on in this breath,

this abyss of our

shared spiritual agony.

 

Life keeps to life and

death to the dying while

I keep to neither,

for holding to one keeps

to the other. They

share the same importance and

in both life creates

it’s own fated destiny.

Shared visions of a

future and ghosts of a past

mingle together

as we achingly search for

our meaning, our truth,

our goals, and our desires.

Breath by breath, and task

by task we move forever

forward and ever

ahead along our destined

path to see what we

blind ourselves to see. And through

bleary, weary eyes

I can see one thing, only

one truth left: all the

light and love that once was me

dissipated and

all that remains is just an

empty vessel left

lingering on the shelf for

little use to all.

A woeful story

of misguided attempts to

do some good to life.

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